just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
