As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
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