I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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