Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
Randomize
