So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
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