I never want to see another naked old woman again.
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
