if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
