even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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