I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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