My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
