remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Randomize
