I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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