The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
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