I think I died a long time ago.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
