he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
