So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
i love accidental penises.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Randomize
