I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
