my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
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