i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
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