he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
