I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Randomize
