I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
It's no shave November. This is our time.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
