If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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