he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
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