i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
