good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
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