Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
