my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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