i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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