Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
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