jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize
