it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
