there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Come on in and take your pants off
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