we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
