if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
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