it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
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