I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Randomize
