Your favorite bartender is back from prision
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
