I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
My ass is underappreciated
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
