what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
