Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
