if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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