At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I think people are normalizing furries
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
