the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
Randomize
