tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
