No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
