If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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