my mouth tastes like poor choices
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
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