Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
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