she looked like the before picture.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
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