Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Randomize
